yeah, yeah

Where do I begin? Yes, it has been forever since I posted and I feel I owe mostly family an explanation because I know you rely on this for updates on Jenna. I apologize. Let me be honest, I have been extremely depressed and sleep-deprived. I've just been too tired to stay-up long enough to post and when I have been up late enough, I just haven't felt like it. There's no way to completely help you understand just how I feel most of the time. If it weren't for my sister-in-law next door, I would most likely be in the loony bin (not joking). No, life's not always so bad, but satan sure knows how to pull me down! Want a list?

Here's where satan attacks me:

• my walk with God
• my marriage
• Jenna's health
• my patience with Joshua
• my family
• my health

There are more ways, but those are the biggies. I started seeing a counselor about a month ago. I'm not sure she's the right one for me, but the price is right (free). I don't see where God is leading right now, but I'm trying to trust Him completely...not quite there. My head is spinning with the daily attacks, but I keep forgetting to look up. However, God is there with reminders that I'm not in this fight alone. Again, my sister-in-law has been such a rock for me...especially lately.

My sister-in-law threw me the most fabulous, surprise 30th birthday party. I'm still speechless. She planned and planned for months. I think the most remarkable part of this is the fact that she has six kids (the youngest not quite 4-months-old) and a husband to care for. This is how it all took place...

The plan was just an intimate gathering...me, my sister-in-law, and one of our mutual friends (who needs to create a blog...ehem...not saying any names, but you know who you are...if you read this that is). I went next door to meet-up for our departure, but there were 2 more faces there I didn't expect to see. I was thrilled because these ladies rock :-) So, we left and the plan was to go downtown and stuff our faces. Well, my sister-in-law appeared a little frantic. She completely missed the turn we were suppose to take which is totally out of character. I should've suspected something at this point, but I'm a total space cadet. Anyway, here we are, a suburban full of crazy women, zooming (and by that I mean flying) down a typically cop-filled area, finally finding our way to our destination. Downtown was especially packed this night...prom, baseball game, yada-yada. Well, my SIL was playing things off very well (which implies that she's an excellent liar...hmmm) as we walked-up to the restaurant (Zio's). The line was almost out the door and it looked like it would be forever before we got to eat. WELL...my SIL just continues to walk past the long line and I'm thinking, "What the heck is she doing?" One of my other friends looks back at me with a puzzled look on her face (another good liar), shrugging her shoulders. Of course I follow rather sheepishly because I didn't know what else to do. Guess what? There was a huge table packed full of some of my most precious friends! I was completely blown away. Balloons, gorgeous flowers (thanks big brother), and lots of smiles and camera flashes. But wait, this isn't even the best part. My SIL arranged a fun "How much do you know Hilary" game, individual delicious cupcakes (which she and the kiddos made), and the most touching, incredible testimony of each of my friends sharing memories of our friendship. Ugh! I'm tearing-up now just thinking about it. I felt so undeserving of such an event, but I'm so honored and grateful...truly. After we enjoyed our dinner, one of my friends brought a delicious cake which we all shared. Some friends were able to stick around. We took some pictures and just goofed around for a bit. I'll post some pictures of the night.

Onto Jenna. Jenna's palate surgery went very, very well. It has been 2 weeks since surgery. 4 more weeks and the stitches should be completely dissolved. A friend of mine bought Jenna a sippy cup with a silicone mouth thingy. All she has to do is chomp down on it and it allows water into your mouth. My friend's daughters both went through the cleft lip and palate surgeries, so she's an experienced mama :-) I'm not sure how much Jenna's actually getting into her mouth, but she really enjoys chewing on the cup! Today, I decided I would experiment with a syringe. She drank about 2 ounces that way. Nick has been experimenting with straws whenever we're out and she seems to like that too. She doesn't suck out of the straw...Nick dips it into the water and creates a vacuum at one of the straw and dribbles it into her mouth. We've tried some softer foods, but she doesn't seem ready for that yet. Hopefully we will get her in for a swallow study soon so we can see just how effectively everything's working. I have to call radiology tomorrow...they were suppose to call me, but that has happened.

I think Jenna's veins must be improving. She was able to have a normal IV during her hospital stay which is far better than having to do her normal pick-line (sp?). She also had to do labs today for a chromosome and hepatic panel (liver function) test and they got her on the first try. This is a huge answer to prayer. I absolutely dread taking her to get labs because they normally have to stick her half a dozen times. We just cry together; poor Joshua gets upset too.

Jenna's 1st birthday was so much fun. The morning of the party was so cold and soggy. Not a very good outlook for her park site party. Well, God moved and made it possible for us to have an indoor party. A sweet couple from a former church called her daughter who owns a gymnasium and she opened-up her entire facility to us...free of charge (I made her accept a donation). What a blessing! I'm still speechless about this event too. So many people came (including Jenna's first NICU buddy, Cooper). We had a huge facility and filled-it up quickly! I think we had about 100 people there (no joke...we handed-out 42 goody bags to the kids old enough to have candy).

Joshua's really talking-up a storm. I still only understand about half of what he says, but he improves daily. My parents came to help us during Jenna's surgery and when they left, and even now, Joshua says, "I want grandpa!" It's so sweet...and sad :-( I wish they were still in Oklahoma. Sometimes, Joshua will say something that will just stun us. My second oldest brother was visiting not long ago and he owns a truck. Joshua walks-up to him and says, "Cory, is that your truck?" It's so cute...his little voice :-) In addition to being extremely cute, Joshua has developed quite an attitude. I fear for my sanity sometimes because I see myself in a padded room in the near future! I think I just need a mommy vacation because if I'm gone for a short period of time (grocery store even), I come home and feel like I've been away from him for such a long time. Nothing's sweeter than his little arms wrapping around my neck and the kisses he generously gives. He's such a kissy boy!

Joshua loves to go out in the yard with Nick, especially recently. Nick put together an impressive play set for Joshua and Jenna. He still needs to add the canopy to the top and assemble a tire swing for the end, but it's finished enough for the kids to enjoy. The slide goes a little fast for Joshua's liking, so he always asks one of us to catch him so he doesn't bump his bottom on the hard ground. I fear we may have a broken arm in the future. He's become very brave and rambunctious! I can't believe he's going to be 3 in a few, short months :-( Ugh! I'm so not ready for him to grow-up, but at the same time, it will be nice when he is able to pick-up his toys! I think it's time to start thinning-out his toy collection. Some toys and books have been passed-down to Jenna, but I don't think she's really going to be into some of the boy stuff he still has. He's really into Thomas the Train, Hot Wheels, play food, and his teddy bears. He's such a cute kid and has a good heart. I hate that I lose patience so easily with him. I know it has a lot to do with my lack of sleep, but it also has much to do with depression and not having a church home. Bleh.

Nick and I have been struggling. We've struggled in the past and worked through things, but this time it has been MUCH more difficult. Please just add us to your prayer list.

I think I'm going to end with that. Good night.